Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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