you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
