I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
