my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
