so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
