We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
