the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
