found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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