Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
