It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
