The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
