I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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