Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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