She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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