Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude i'm inner monologue high
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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