we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
