So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
