I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
