god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
