I met the friendliest cop last night
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
