He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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