I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
