his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
