Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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