No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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