i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
