why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
