I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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