i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
