Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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