this just has baby written all over it
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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