If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
