I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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