This is not my ceiling
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
