No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
