i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have feelings that need drinking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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