she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
