Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
