I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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