i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
