How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
