i just wanna soil my oats bro
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
