Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
