i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
