Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I could have mohawked her pubes.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
