Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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