Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
