Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
