There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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