I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
