somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
