Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
